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Remember when I told you about the guy that I had been dating for about a year? You know...the one who ended up having another girlfriend AND a fiance? Yeah...there were three of us. I've definitely realized that while I never saw the red flags when I was with him, I absolutely look back at all of the lies he told me and see the red flags now.
A few months into our relationship, I remember not understanding why we always spent our down-time at my house. It just didn't make sense. He told me his parents fell on hard times and that he saved the day by buying them out of their home so they could downsize to a smaller home. See what he did there? But if he owned his own home and didn't have roommates, why was I never invited to his home? Why did he always want to hang at my house?
He said his mother had anger issues and that she would still walk through the front door and start berating him and that it embarrassed him and he didn't want me to see that. My response was, "change the locks on the door". This guy was definitely emotionally stunted and I knew that. He blamed the abuse he received as a child from his mother for his inability to stand up to her. That's serious stuff and I wanted to be respectful of the "trauma" of his past. In reality, he still lived with Mommy and Daddy. And his mother was absolutely NOT the monster he said she was. He was lying.
So when I read this message, the hair on the back of my neck stood up.
My boyfriend and I have been dating about six months, and he’s great but there’s one thing that’s starting to bug me. We love to just hang out and watch movies and TV shows together, rather than go out all the time, but he always wants to do it at my house. I mean it’s been six months and he’s never invited me over to his place once. If he had roommates I’d understand, but he lives alone. When I ask him why we never go to his place, he makes some excuse about it being far and not wanting me to have to drive there but I suspect there’s something more. So, am I wrong for being concerned? Or should I take this as a big red flag and run?
Get out of there, Girl. RED FLAG. RED FLAG. This man is lying to you.
If there is one thing I've learned from being lied to repeatedly by the guy I dated...if something doesn't make sense...it's because IT DOESN'T MAKE SENSE. When you're in love, you want to believe them. You want to give them the benefit of the doubt. You want to be compassionate and understanding. All of that stuff...you want to be great for them. So the red flags were constantly waving, but I never saw them.
I wanted so badly to help others after this happened. Maybe I could pass along a website that weeds out liars and losers. Maybe there were support groups to teach people how to cope after they have been betrayed. It was hard to find anything to help others. So the best I can do is blog about stuff like this. It's real and it's personal. I'll keep reminding women AND MEN that most people are genuine and honest, but a lot of people lie. Moving on from these people is easy because who wants to plan a future with scum like that? But the betrayal affects you for a long long time. You start to blame yourself for believing these manipulators. You start to question your own judgement. You feel guilty for bringing people like that into the lives of the people you care about most. I don't wish that on anybody. Nobody deserves it.
If you're concerned...there's a reason for it. And they will probably have a "good reason"...but if the reason doesn't make sense...RED FLAG.
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