I feel like I need to explain what in the world has been going on with me for the past two weeks. It’s a lot. And I always try to make sure that I keep the topics on this show kid friendly at the times that littles are in the car. And I will do that, but I also think it opens up a great avenue of conversation with them about how badly telling lies can hurt people. Because if there is one thing I understand now more than ever…it’s that when you tell one lie…not always…but usually…you have to tell another one…and then another one. And I have been hurt deeply by somebody who told me a lot of lies…which means they also told my children…my family…my friends and my co-workers a lot of lies.
If you’ve been a listener or you follow me on social media, you’ve seen that I’ve been in a very happy and healthy relationship for the past year. Well, happy and healthy I THOUGHT. I found out a couple of weeks ago that my boyfriend…best friend…the person who I thought truly knew me inside and out…the person I thought I would marry one day…is not at all the person I thought he was. He is a liar - a big one.
I found out that not only did he have another girlfriend…he was also engaged to another woman. Oh and as if it couldn't get worse, he proposed to the fiance six months into our relationship. So there were three of us. I was stunned. It was overwhelming. I was trying to process and accept it. I chose to move forward (because what else can you do?). But I wasn’t sleeping and I wasn’t eating. One day turned into two days. Two turned into three. I ended up getting very sick. So, I’ve been sick for the last two weeks and in bed. I’ve had a lot of time to figure out that there were so many lies.- SO MANY LIES. And I keep thinking back to all of the conversations he and I had. I’ve realized just how many mistruths there were. I guess when you’re in a relationship with three women – you have to lie your butt off.
I’ve seen screen shots of text messages where he would send all three of us the same picture…or call us all the same pet name…or tell all three of us how proud he was of us. I’ve seen his wedding website where he is wearing clothing I’ve given him on his romantic trip that I was told was a business trip. It’s devastating. And bottom line…it hurts when people lie to you, right? While I’m not disclosing all of this to bash men or say that you shouldn’t try to find love – no matter how old you are - I did explain to him that I would expose him as much as I could. I won’t give you his name or tell you where he works – that’s not who I am. But what was important to me was to let other men and women know that if this has happened to you, you’re not alone.
I also tried to find protective ways to prevent something like this from happening to you. There are websites like People Finder and apps like Stud or Dud. Maybe you’re like me and have friends who can run background checks on people – which I did on him before I ever met him for dinner and his report was clean. But that’s sort of my point. You don’t have to be a criminal to be a criminal - to be given access to someone’s inner circle…their kids…their heart. To sit down with one woman to design an engagement ring when you proposed to another woman just four months prior. It’s sick and pathetic and it’s dishonest and it hurts people.
So where does that leave me? It leaves me worried about the two other women who didn’t deserve this. It affects all of our inner circles. And now I get to spend months working through it because I refuse to allow this to knock me down or turn me into a negative person who can’t trust again. I’m also fully prepared to be called “dumb” or to be questioned about how I couldn’t figure this out on my own. I have nothing to explain to anyone, so I won’t even dignify comments like that. I’ll simply say, I’m not dumb and I do a lot of things to protect myself from strangers or haters. He passed the background check, the Google searches and the social media screens – all of them – he passed. Those measures protect us from people with criminal records – not from liars. I mean, he never even called me the wrong name. He was good at being a liar. Yay for him. And while I could give you hundreds of lies he told – he doesn’t get that either. I’m ready to move on and live this incredibly awesome life I’ve been blessed to get to live.
There was a woman who sent me all of this information. I never responded to her, but she does deserve my thanks. It takes a lot of courage to reach out to a person you don’t know and blow something up like she did. But I’m so thankful she did. I’m sad to report that even in the small circle of people who knew what was going on for the last couple of weeks…almost all of them have had this happen to them too.
So how can you protect yourself? I’m not real sure. And I hate it because I thought maybe that was what God was putting this on me to do - help others. I’ve spent hours scouring the internet for websites or people that can shed light on the men and women who do this to others. There are websites to do background checks, but they don’t tell you everything. I’d like to say “watch for the red flags”, but I didn’t see any flags. And after conversations with other victims, they didn’t either. I wasn’t blinded by love. I asked so many questions. I made it clear when something wasn’t jiving or didn’t make sense. But there was always a casual reasonable answer from him. Our relationship had issues, but we worked through everything with open communication – it’s one of the things I loved best about being his partner. When you’re in love, you chalk it up to “working through difficult situations and having tough conversations.” And then you appreciate the fact that you’ve got this person in your life that is capable of having those conversations. Conversations are so healthy…when you’re not having them with a liar. I’ve had to learn that it’s just another “thing” deceitful people do to gain your trust while being incredibly dishonest.
If you've done this to somebody or if you're doing it to several people, please consider the damage you are doing to others. Your life is never the same after something like this. In the least, own it. Apologize, but don't expect it to be accepted. But still...APOLOGIZE. Don't rip down your social media handles. You were man or woman enough to do it. So don't hide now.
How do you get over it? I don’t have the textbook answer for that one either. My goal is to continue to pray about it. I’m going to continue to thank my friends, family and co-workers for being so supportive. I’m going to therapy to talk through how I’m feeling (since it changes daily). I’m not a grudge holder. I’m not vindictive. I don’t have that thing that makes me want to get even. I’m going to hope he gets exactly what he deserves in life – whatever that may be. Sure, I hope his world is turned upside-down. I want him to hurt like I did. I absolutely want him to be miserable. But he won’t be any of those things based on my actions. I’ve wasted enough time on this weak loser.
Thank you, NEXT.
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